She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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