I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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