before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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