I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
