I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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