She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
