Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
