wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
