Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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