Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
