You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
