I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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