sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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