Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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