Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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