Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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