i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
