Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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