If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
