genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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