I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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