I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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