So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
