chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
