giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He felt like a one man threesome
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize