I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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