I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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