I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
