We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she told me i tasted like america
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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