WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
