You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
