Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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