just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I am available for nakedness
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
