Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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