your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
