I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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