i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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