I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
