Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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