I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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