you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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