Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
