My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
