Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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