I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
