so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
