No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
