"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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