Don't you send me to vm
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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