I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
