so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
