I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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