He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
