R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
