hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
