the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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