He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize