Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
