You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
