I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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