The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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