You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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