her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
